RunAwayDaughter, There is so much I would like to say to you. First, you sound like a real nice, caring and loving person and to think you and your late husband opened your hearts, home and love for these children and planned for their future education, giving them a real foundation for their future life, is fabulous of you.
Now I would like to say something not so nice. This daughter is 18. She thinks she already knows more than you do. She thinks she is being smarter than you with all the well thought out plans you had for her and the others. She is turning her back on you, the family that has loved and nutured her. I see it as though she is laughing behind your back, possibly even getting a thrill, thinking she is hurting you. And she is right. She is hurting you.
You are an outstanding Mom! Don't ever let anyone let you think otherwise. Now, be that as it may be, your daughter may not be who you thought she was. You nutured and helped and loved this young woman to grow up to be an outstanding citizen, and in turn to be like you, a good woman, a good wife an excellent mother. She sounds like she does not appreciate you in any way or appreciate anything that you have done for her. That is hard to accept, of course. You are not cruel. But by her actions, your daughter is cruel.
This daughter that you thought you knew so well, you did not know at all. You had so much love to give, and, gave freely, but how was your love and care returned? Love does not hurt. Love is not cruel. You have done nothing wrong. Your daughter is at an age and the opportunity presented itself, that she could do something daring and get away from the life that she possibly detested and did not want. And she did get away and she did make you upset. And she did/does have you eating out of her hand. She possibly feels like she does have the upper hand now and you will do what she says and if you let her, she will control you. She is not who you remember her as being the sweet little girl you raised. Her true colors are becoming manifest.
It is hard for you to cope right now, of course. This all must have come as a complete shock to you and her brothers. If you are in touch with any of her best friends, or even if you went to her high school and met privately with some of her teaches that you think might have known her well, you may get a completely different picture of your daughter then.
May I say in the nicest way that I feel very sorry for you. It is a shock. I wish I could help in someway help you get past this stretch of the road in your life right now. It was unexpected, totally. Your dearest husband gone the year before. You must be feeling devastated.
The relationship you had with your daughter is forever changed by her recent actions. She is screwing up her life royally. You must continue to be the great mom that you are. And you are!!! It is your daughter that has the problem and she does not really want you in her life anymore. That is hard to accept.
I cannot private message anyone, but if you would like to leave me a safe email address I can read it and we can continue this conversation off board. Please PM me with an email using your name from here: RunAwayDaughter.
Hugs of concern and sympathy.